For those of you not familiar with the Turkey Dump, you will probably be the first people in the world to learn what it means on a fantasy hockey website. The Turkey Dump is the theory that summer relationships that try to continue long distance into the school year will be over by Thanksgiving. It is particularly relevant to high school sweethearts who go off to different colleges and promise that they will love each other forever.
Anyways, here is a list of players that you need to break-up with by Thanksgiving (preferably the Canadian one, which is less than a week away). They are separated in to two categories; players that are commonly owned but really shouldn’t, and guys that we can’t believe anyone owns.
The awkward “you’ll never have another girl like me” break-up
Alexander Frolov: The two-time 30 goal scored has found himself in purgatory to begin the 2009 season, skating on the Kings third line with Michal Handzus and Wayne Simmonds. Just like your girlfriend, the Kings found a better match with Ryan Smyth, and Frolov is the odd man out in the Kings top six.
Jordan Staal: Jordan is the pretty girl with all of the talent in the world, but you are going to have to dump her because she has two even hotter sisters, Sidney and… crap Evgeni why can’t you have a feminine name too!?. Staal just does not get enough ice time or have good enough linemates to be an effective fantasy player.
Jonathan Cheechoo: Cheechoo is the girl that was super hot four years ago in high school who you felt lucky to score 56 times with. It has been all downhill from there but for some reason you are still with her. Make like San Jose and ship her off to Ottawa where she can be just another washed up 3rd liner.
Shawn Horcoff: Horcoff is that girl that was around forever but no one ever noticed. Then suddenly she was invited to the prom (2008 All-Star Game) and became one of the cool kids. You made her your girlfriend shortly thereafter only to discover that the wave of popularity was just a mirage. It is time to cut ties with this one, especially considering one of her wingmen is JF Jacques, a player who has only scored once.
Chris Drury: Drury has been demoted from the powerplay in New York and his ice time is down to around fifteen minutes per game. I’m not even going to try and make a funny joke here. Drury hasn’t been relevant to fantasy hockey since 2006-07, yet is somehow owned in 42% of Yahoo leagues.
Why were you dating them in the first place?
Sam Gagner: Many fantasy analysts predicted that this would be Gagner’s breakout season; the shy high school guy that would breakout in a big way once he went off to college. Unfortunately for him,Oilers coach Pat Quinn begged to differ and slotted him as the team’s 4th line center to open the campaign. Now Sam is just the poor guy at the end of the hall rooming with the two weird, smelly kids (Stortini and Moreau).
Wade Redden: Redden is the Van Wilder of hockey, except not cool. He has stuck around way longer than he should thanks to a ridiculous six year, $39 million scholarship from the Rangers, the fraternity that tries way too hard to be cool. He has since lost his powerplay role; Del Zotto, Kotalik, Gilroy and Roszival will be manning the points in New York. Unfortunately for the Rangers, it will take more than a Turkey Dump to get rid of Redden and the $6.5 million cap hit he carries for five more years.